Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
