guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
