Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
