Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
