I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
