It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
