The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Come share oat with me in your robe
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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