Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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