Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I looked at my own cervix.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize