Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Randomize
