your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
