Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
