the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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