Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
