Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
