Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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