the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
