Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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