How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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