i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
