dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
