He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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