I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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