my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
