i think i have herpe
just one?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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