My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
