Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
