How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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