went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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