Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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