Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
