4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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