Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
