ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
