I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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