First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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