Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
