Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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