my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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