Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
