a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
