Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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