DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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