I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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