isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
