Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she smelled like a LAN party
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
