Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
