So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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