Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
