I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
