i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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