Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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