No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
