apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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