Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
